04 May Emily Post & Ayurveda
By Dr. Claudia Welch; Originally posted September 1, 2010. Republished with light edits.
He who constantly examines how his day and night are passing and adopts the right way only, will never become a victim of sorrow.
— Aṣṭāṅga Hṛdayam, Sūtrasthāna II.47
What does my fork have to do with “that little spark of celestial fire…”?
My childhood friend recently bought a fake sheep fleece hat with double earflaps. We both love that hat. We both live in the woods. Off the grid. On mountains. Ones that, in certain seasons, require hefty 4WDs to get in and out. In her case, in the winter, no matter what I drive, I sometimes park at the bottom of her hill and call her for a ride.
We share a lot—both in terms of lifestyle and fashion sense. (I’ve been known to observe that one could take me out, but not necessarily dress me up.)
So when my friend told me how much she enjoyed a few chapters of an Emily Post book recently, the back of my brain did a quiet, “whuh.”
Occasionally, when I’m paying attention, I notice I have some built-in prejudices about this or that.
I think my friend was reading a newer incarnation of Post etiquette (would that be post-Post etiquette?). Truth be told, my disdain for Post wasn’t based on anything Post had actually written. I’d never read her work. I just assumed it was full of rules about which fork to use and the proper length of a skirt. Who could be less interested?
I put that prejudice in the back of my mind. Not sure what to do with it yet.
Time passed.
This week I was reading A.J. Jacobs’ really, really fun book, My Life as an Experiment (2009). Appendix A is George Washington’s 110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation. The first:
“Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present.”
It covers a surprising amount of ground—from appearance (“Wear not your clothes foul, or ripped, or dusty…”) to courtesy (“Speak not of doleful things in a time of mirth or at the table…”) to moral discernment (“Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of any”). There’s even guidance on not shifting yourself indiscreetly in public.
The list ends with:
“Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.”
Something was stirring in the Post area of my brain. I googled some original Post. Here are a few examples:
- Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.
- A little praise is not only merest justice but is beyond the purse of no one.
- Nothing is less important than which fork you use. Etiquette is the science of living. It embraces everything. It is ethics. It is honor.
Omg. Āyurveda, the Science of Life, meet Emily Post, author of the Science of Living.
I love Emily Post.
Something else is stirring in my brain.
Washington was born in 1732. Emily Post in 1872. Freud in 1856. Jung in 1875.
Somewhere along the line, has an emphasis on acting nice been replaced with feeling nice?
For Post and Washington, no matter what you felt like, you were asked to consider the effects of your actions and words on your environment—and to behave in a way that enhanced its harmonious qualities. (Though Washington may have been a better example had he not owned enslaved people for most of his life—only arranging to free those he personally owned in his will.)
These days, we might be in therapy for decades trying to feel nice ourselves, and still manage to be uncouth and hurtful to others.
I’m rethinking some stuff.
Take Hitler. A man I think we can all agree had issues. Or take any dictator, mass murderer—or anyone who, regardless of backstory, is killing any number of innocent people.
Decades of therapy might be a good idea. It may prove beneficial for the person to resolve his issues. But resolved or not—how about not torturing and killing people?
Long-term plan: therapy, enlightenment, resolution.
Short-term plan: manners.
It’s said Washington himself was plagued by strong, difficult emotions. Jacobs writes, “Below his placid exterior, he was a burbling witch’s cauldron of emotions” (p.145). Gilbert Stuart—the painter behind the dollar bill portrait—believed Washington’s face belied “the strongest and most ungovernable passions,” and said if he’d been born in the forests, “he would have been the fiercest man among the savage tribes.”
But in the final analysis, Washington checked his passion and sought to live by those 110 rules—rules he largely applied to his peers, not to the people he enslaved. His legacy of restraint and honor exists alongside that contradiction.
He became a man known for restraint and poise—respected and admired, perhaps without equal in his time and place.
Sometimes acting with decency trumps feeling decent.
Behavior forms character, as character forms behavior.
When we read the various dinacaryā (daily routine) dicta in the ancient Āyurvedic texts, they’re not so different from Washington’s or Post’s. From when to wake up to grooming tips, footwear, umbrellas—and also things like:
- Take up a means of livelihood congruent with dharma (ethical life)
- Don’t sneeze, laugh, or yawn without covering your mouth
- Don’t sit on your own heels for long, make ugly movements of the body, or blow your nose unnecessarily
- Speak words that are true, appropriate to the occasion, and pleasing
- Pursue a life of peace and study
- Treat even insects and ants as one’s own self
- Don’t believe everyone—and don’t distrust everyone
Looks like Washington, Post, Cāraka, and Vāgbhaṭa are all on the same page.
Being aware of each moment of the day—whether it’s what fork to use or how our behavior is flavoring our environment—is choosing awareness.
The science of living.
I believe I shall shift my heel. I’ve been sitting on it too long…